Many of you already know that I?ve been divorced for 5 years
now, but I learned more than a few valuable lessons in those 5
years that I?m going to share with you.
When my ex-husband first left, I was almost literally drowning
in thoughts of ?What?s wrong with me?? I lay awake nights
thinking of how I could have been different, and what I could
have changed about myself to make the outcome different.
Until one day, a bolt of lightning struck me. I was at home, day
after day, hour after hour, minute after minute, caring for 3
children while my husband was at work socializing with other
adults, male and female. Treating himself to dinner out with
?clients? after work, most often to meals of sushi and dishes
like teriyaki chicken, while the children and I feasted on Kraft
Dinner. I thought at that time, that being completely wrapped up
in who I was as a mother, probably made me a little neglectful
of who I was as a woman. I mean, who has time for make-up when
you?re running to and from ballet classes and piano lessons,
along with being literally showered with whatever the baby
decided that he didn?t want to eat for dinner? Make up? What the
hell?s that?
My bolt of lightning was this; I was (and am) the mother of 3
children. I did my job with regard to caring for those children,
making sure that they had food on the table, and clean clothes
to wear. If that job required that I look like a dish-rag most
of the time, he would just have to deal with it. His way of
?dealing with it? included ?play time? with people outside of
the relationship that he had with myself and our children, and
that was his decision. There?s nothing that I could do about his
decision. I could though, start making some decisions of my own.
I first decided that divorce was mandatory. Once I'd gone
through the phases (see "Divorce Actually Makes Us Stronger"), I
realized that this divorce thing could be whatever I chose to
make it. It could be my chance to grovel in self-pity, and beg
him to come back. But I didn?t want him back. Once he left, it
felt as though a huge brick had been lifted from my chest. I
could breathe again. Why on earth would I want him back? I
realized then, that this was actually my chance to make my life
what I wanted it to be. I accepted that I couldn?t control his
actions. I could though, control exactly how I reacted to what
he did. I realized that what he did wasn?t about me. Yes, it
very definitely affected me, and our children, but I had to
learn how not to take it personally. What he did, he did for his
own selfish reasons, and there?s nothing that I could have done
to change the outcome. There was absolutely nothing wrong with
me.
So, the lesson in this little tale? Learn not to take it
personally. Learn that you cannot control the actions of others.
You can however, control how you react to the actions of others.
Martinis for Everyone!
Debbie Burgin
Copyright 2005 Debbie Burgin All Rights Reserved
About the author:
As a direct result of her divorce, Debbie Burgin is the owner of
two businesses; www.debbieburgin.com, and
www.warnerdigitalmedia.com. "Martinis for Everyone!" Read more
of Debbie's articles at www.debbieburgin.blogspot.com.
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