Who?s Helping Our Grieving Children Cope with Katrina? By Marcia
Breitenbach, Licensed Psychotherapist Every day through the
media, images of death, loss, grief and violence as a result of
Hurricane Katrina are presented to not only adult eyes, but also
the vulnerable eyes and hearts of our children. Adults barely
have the tools and experience to process what they see
intellectually and emotionally. Imagine how the younger and more
vulnerable among us deal with this! Not only do the children who
have faced this storm directly need immediate consideration, but
also those who are safely in their homes in other parts of the
country need to be tended carefully. Because few have maps or
experience dealing with the challenges they witness in others?
lives?and because many parents feel ill-equipped to guide their
children through traumas such as Katrina, or the death of a
loved one?change is scary. Yet if adults can?t figure out how to
handle change, how can our children move through their journeys
of loss and change? Loss and grief force inner and outer changes
to take place in all of our lives, yet in a way we can direct.
We can learn to use the energy of change not only to bring
healing, but to encourage wholeness in a child?s physical,
mental, spiritual, and emotional being. Let?s look at ways
parents can help their children deal with death, loss and grief,
close to home as well as far away. Dealing with Common
Experiences All children who encounter grief and change process
them differently. But some feelings and experiences are common
to almost everyone. Infants, for example, don?t intellectually
understand changes around them, but they sense changes in their
life situations physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To
assist infants in directing the energy of change, give them
reassurance through your touch. Talk about what has happened.
Act with a consistency to support the routines they know.
Mostly, they need to know they can count on your support, that
you?ll keep them safe and take care of their needs. Supporting
Toddlers in Crisis When dealing with the idea of death, toddlers
and young children through age five don?t understand the concept
of permanence. They repeatedly ask when a deceased person will
return. Children at this age learn through repetition and play,
therefore they need you to patiently tell them over and over
what has happened. Many people make the mistake of using phrases
such as ?gone away,? ?resting,? ?sleeping,? and ?taken to
heaven,? which can confuse and scare children. It?s best to be
as honest as you can with them. Include them in as much of the
process as they care to participate in. Children go in and out
of grieving in a rhythm that follows their inner needs. If you
notice them regressing behaviorally, that means they?ll likely
benefit from more, rather than less, structure, including
dependable routines. In addition, supply them with various play
materials such as paper and art supplies, clay or puppets. Help
them use these materials to work out their feelings and
thoughts. Supporting Older Children Children aged six through
ten begin to understand the permanence of death, yet they don?t
want to acknowledge it. Like younger children, they may also
desire to know literal and physical facts about illnesses, dead
bodies, and disposal of bodies, though they won?t directly ask.
It?s important to be honest and direct when explaining details.
Again, find out ?where they?re at? in their understanding of the
situation. Once you do, give them only as much information as
they require. When in their pre-teens, children are in a
transitional place of understanding and expressiveness. Peer
pressure has begun to rear its weighty head; an inner battle
concerning independence and vulnerability is raging. These
children experience many conflicting emotions and their feelings
of grief can certainly be confusing. Giving them honesty,
support, and ?space? to process the changes on their own are
essential. Perhaps you can provide a journal, an age-appropriate
book, or a support group of peers if they?re open to it. Dealing
with Mature Teens As teens mature, their ability to grieve with
their immediate families usually decreases. They tend to take
their feelings and concerns to peers or to a trusted adult such
as a pastor, teacher, or uncle. They could display more
acting-out or risk-taking behaviors than younger children. As
with the other age groups, it?s important to be honest, show
your own feelings and vulnerability, and provide lots of love
and support. Guilt, a difficult emotion at any age, can be
particularly evident in mature teenagers. Gently probe to see if
they?ve attached guilt to the grief they feel. Provide
reassurance that all their feelings are normal. Most of all, let
them know that they did not cause the loss. Even very young
children can have the perception that they somehow caused the
event leading to the loss. Each Child is Unique This brief
summary indicates a few common developmental differences in
grieving children of select age groups. However, because each
child is unique, understanding death and grieving varies from
child to child. Remember, grief is not an illness; it?s a normal
response to loss. And most children move through their grief
journeys without significant problems. But when grief becomes
complicated by factors such as addictions in the family,
traumatic death, history of abuse, multiple losses, and minimal
family or community support, then children may require
professional help. Also, the grief of a larger community, such
as a nation focused on the aftermath of the hurricane, presents
additional conflicting emotions. Engage your child in a
discussion about what they see on tv, what their peers and
teachers have said about the events, and most importantly, what
your child thinks and feels. Ask questions without trying to
?make it better.? If a grieving child exhibits persistent
destructive behaviors, prolonged depression or withdrawal,
debilitating somatic complaints, or excessive anger, consult a
grief professional. In fact, these guidelines apply to any
loss?whether it involves a death, a move, a separation, a
divorce, or a serious health challenge. Be Sure to Talk With
Them Grief is a subject that often gets avoided or handled
fearfully and briefly. As a parent, educator, and counselor, I
encourage you to talk with your children about their loss or the
ones they view in the media. Discuss what changes will result in
their lives because of a loved one?s death or events in the
world as completely as you can. If you provide structured
education, children will learn to handle future loss and crises
with confidence rather than fear. Also, be sensitive to cultural
differences in dealing with death and other losses. Remember,
there is never ?one way? to teach or do anything Take Care of
Your Own Needs In your role as teacher, counselor, or parent, it
can be easy to ignore your own needs. Naturally, you feel
genuine concern about the welfare of children faced with a
difficult loss, but your own feelings about life-changing events
are just as important as theirs. If you don?t allow yourself to
process them, you?ll be a less effective role model for your
children. In particular, take time to face your own discomfort
about talking to the children about death and grief. If you?re
aware of unresolved grief issues from your past, seek a trusted
person with whom you can discuss your feelings. Look at this as
a great opportunity to do some ?inner housekeeping.? Tools and
Tips Here are some ideas to guide you: v Breathing exercises go
a long way to reduce the stress of loss and change. Breathe in .
. . breathe out . . . aah. v Remember, it?s okay to show
children that you?re grieving, too. Admit your own confusion,
anger, or sadness about the situation; this gives them
permission to feel and grieve themselves. When you show children
how you take care of yourself during difficult times, they learn
life-affirming ways to deal with crisis and change. v Have the
children tell their stories. They can do this with words,
pictures, or dramatization. You?ll find that it?s healing both
to tell our stories and witness others? stories. v Have children
do sentence completions and then discuss what came up. Examples
would be: ?I wonder what...? or ?I wish I could? ? or ?I need
you to know that . . . ? or ?The hardest thing for me in my life
right now is . . . ? v It?s important for children to remember
that they aren?t alone. A lot of help is available. Encourage
them to think about all the things and people they consider to
be their resources. Then have them make a picture or map of
these resources using crayons, pastels, pencils, and markers.
This map can contain favorite activities and people, pets, even
spiritual helpers. It becomes a valued reminder and symbol of
where they can turn when they feel low. v Due to circumstances,
sometimes children don?t have the opportunity to say goodbye to
their pets when they die. It?s hard for anyone to grieve without
having a chance to say goodbye. Have your children write a
letter to the pet or person who is gone, or ask them to draw
their ?goodbyes? if they can?t write them. v Encourage your
children to draw their feelings or make a collage that
represents death, loss, or change. They may prefer to write a
poem about death, compose music, or make up a feeling dance. v
When grieving, it?s important to balance the sadness, anger, and
fear you feel with thoughts about the good things in your life.
The same is true for children. Have them list all the things
they feel grateful for. v Assure your children that the children
directly affected by the hurricane have loving adults helping
and watching over them. Let them know that you will do all in
your power to keep them safe and that you have a plan in case
something unexpected happens. Then make sure you DO have a plan.
v Sometimes children feel badly about themselves during times of
major change and loss. Have them make a collage of what it means
?to be human.? Encourage them to depict positive and negative
feelings as well as behaviors, which helps them see how a ?whole
person? looks. Discuss the fact that everyone grows and learns
as a result of change. v Children, like adults, often fear
what?s ahead. It?s easier to acknowledge and work with fear when
they can ?see? it, instead of putting their efforts into hiding
it. Have them sculpt their fears with clay or another medium. v
Help children understand that they have choices about what they
think and say, and how they react and behave. Reinforce the idea
that these choices determine what they get throughout their
lives. Listen Deeply When you?re with children who are grieving,
your primary resource is a good ear. That doesn?t necessarily
mean your physical ears; it also includes your emotional,
mental, and spiritual ears. Listening deeply helps you be
present with them and pick up on their cues. It goes a long way
toward healing?for everyone involved. Beware. If you simply ?go
at them? with your knowledge about the grief process and impose
?grief activities? on them, you risk losing their trust through
poor timing. Know that with good tools, your ability to listen
both to the children and to your own intuition, you?ll be guided
to help them have a positive, even transformational, experience.
Marcia Breitenbach is a licensed psychotherapist, and author of
The Winds of Change: A Guided Journey with Healing Music through
Grief, Loss & Transformation and its accompanying CD of original
healing songs. Visit her website at www.griefandlosshelp.com and
get your free report and inspiring song.
About the author:
Marcia Breitenbach is a licensed psychotherapist, and author of
The Winds of Change: A Guided Journey with Healing Music through
Grief, Loss & Transformation and its accompanying CD of original
healing songs. Visit her website at www.griefandlosshelp.com and
get your free report and inspiring song.
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