This is one of my all time favourite problem solving techniques,
and I use it on a regular basis with clients who find it hard to
get along with other people. But really, the technique can be
applied to any problem at all, not just the ones that are about
relationships. If you?re going around in circles with a
relationship problem, it can really help to step back and break
the problem down into groups. Here?s how to do it:
First, think of a small problem you are having in your life
right now. Don?t try to tackle anything too big just yet, just
get used to using this technique and then when you get more
skilled at it you can try it with some larger problems. The idea
is to separate your problem into three groups.
GROUP ONE: Parts of the Problem That Come From Other
People
Write down all the parts of this particular problem that are
brought to it by other people. Now, I know it?s tempting to lump
all of the parts into this group, because it?s so easy to blame
others for what is not working in our lives; but try to resist
this temptation! And let?s face it - other people are not
responsible for EVERY part of your problem. So be honest with
yourself.
GROUP TWO: The Facts about Your problem
In this group, you are going to write down the facts. For
example, let?s say your partner won?t spend enough time with you
and the family. In this group, one of the facts you could write
would be ?We need ___ to spend more time at home?.
GROUP THREE: YOU
Now you are going to list all the parts of the problem that YOU
bring to it. Many of the things you write down here will be
related to your reaction to the situation. For instance, do you
sulk or berate your partner when he/she chooses to spend time
away from home? How does this contribute to your problem? What
reaction do you get? Be sure to write down any of your own
personal triggers from past circumstances or relationships which
may be contributing to this problem.
OK: Time to Start Culling...
When you have created the three categories for your problem,
pick up the list for Group #1. (Other People). Now, screw up
this piece of paper and throw it in the bin. Why? Because?..
You cannot change OTHER PEOPLE
But how great would it be if we could? We?d live blissfully in a
world full of people who were just like us....or would we?? Now,
I?m not saying that people will not change of their own accord.
It just means that if they do change, it will be because they
choose to, not because you tell them that they should. Don?t
waste your time and energy on those parts of the problem that
you cannot control!
Okay, now do the same with the group 2 list; screw it up and
throw it away! Because....
You cannot change the facts
So now, all that is left is the list you have made for group 3.
Your problem has just gotten a whole lot smaller because you?ve
thrown away 2 of the lists! Have a good look at this third list.
Are there any things in the list you have made that you feel you
truly cannot change? If so, remove these items from the list ?
you must only use your energy on the things you do have the
ability to influence.
Now, looking at the remaining things on the list, are there any
things that you do not want to change? This is really important!
If you don?t want to change something about yourself,
then you will not; it?s that simple! But keep
this in mind; writing this list is all about taking personal
responsibility for what is not working in your life. This
technique will help you to focus on the parts of your problem
that you CAN do something about. By now, you should have in your
hot little hand a practical, do-able list that you can turn into
an action plan. So the message is clear....
Find out what you can do about it and then take
action!
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About the author:
Sonia Devine is a qualified professional hypnotherapist and
success coach with a caring and committed approach to healing,
who lives in Melbourne, Australia. You can find more of her
information on mental health, self image, love, relationships,
phobias and much more on her website Manifest Your
Success
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