Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.
IT'S AWESOME AUGUST AGAIN
Or, what else did you think it was?
**Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord
Earl Craboon
August, the eighth month of the year, is to put it bluntly ?the
worst of a long, hot summer or more likely the armpit of an
incredibly sweltering one.
If you're in a quandary about why a cow would want to jump over
the moon, who let the screaming meemies loose, and where the
damn dog ran away with the spoon -- you need a vacation!
So kick back, toss your TV remote control and cell phone in the
lake, and try fly-swatting for a change!
On the other hand, for all those who have to report for work and
suffer from far too many liquid lunches, limp watercress
sandwiches, and lightweight daydreams, consider celebrating
Men from Mars Day. (That?s when masked men with maps
and Mayflower Madams on their minds descend from simmering,
sleek, sight-seeing spaceships to discover they?ve not only
arrived on the wrong planet, but also 3,542 years too late for
the beach party. )
So without further adieu, adios, a rivederci, au revoir, auf
Wiedersehen, not to mention cheerio, ciao, pip pip, tah tah,
toodle-oo, see you later Alligator, and that wretched standby ?
?Have a Nice Day? ? take our advice ?enjoy these
good-humored, good-for-nothing activities that exemplify the
merry month of August.
August 1 ? BATHTUB RACING DAY (Grab an old
bathtub, put on some wheels and an old motor?then find a place
to let?em rip and roar!)
August 2 - NATIONAL ABBREVIATION APPRECIATION
DAY (Time to celebrate the ancient sport of
skinny-dipping, the science of getting down to bare essentials,
and the fine art of bikinis, briefs and box shorts.)
August 3 ? ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN RECOGNITION DAY
(A great way to honor weird things that are bound to melt sooner
or later and leave a smelly mess behind.)
August 4 ? BOB DID IT DAY (Anything you?d
dearly love to pin on dear old Bob, now?s the time to do it).
August 5 ? DEVIL?S ADVOCATE DAY (Time to get
out your bull horns, slip into a flaming red spandex suit, and
grab a rusty pitchfork ? cause there?s a trial balloon or a
sacred cow with your name on it!)
August 6 ? NATIONAL HYPOCHONDRIAC APPRECIATION
DAY (It?s the annual ?My Ailment?s More Serious Than
Your?s Is? Swap Meet & Pity-Pot Party).
August 7 ? LEFT-FIELD AWARENESS DAY (Time to
honor all those things that come appear out of nowhere and hit
you on the head every now and then like bird droppings, old
flames, and visits from long-lost relatives.)
August 8 ? SCARLET PIMPERNEL & MATA HARI DAY
(Time to go incognito - be your favorite mystery man or maven ?
what?s your nom de plume and your game?)
August 9 - ALPHABET APPRECIATION DAY ? ?B?
(Time to talk about people, places and things beginning with the
letter ?B? ?like ?Bucky Beaver?, ?Bobo?(Alabama), and ?bogeys?.)
August 10 ? UGLY ART & ARCHITECTURE DAY (Time
to award the ?No. 1 Eyesore? in your community ?hint it?s the
thing that even a flea market couldn?t sell).
August 11 ? LEO RECOGNITION DAY (This is
payback time when you get to showcase those smug, stubborn,
sulky sorts you know strut about and stroke their locks, play
with their curls, or simply wear a crown to cover their
over-sized cerebellums).
August 12 ? BACKHOUSE BEAUTIFICATION DAY (Yup
it?s time to remodel, redecorate or revive that classic piece of
American architecture ? the mobile ablution hut ? better known
as the cottage outhouse, the camp latrine, or the outdoor privy.)
August 13 ? BEAT-AROUND-THE-BUSH DAY (A
time-honored occasion to evade thorny issues, lead folks down
the garden path, and practice your hem-and-hawing skills.)
August 14 ? CLUTTERBUG & PACK-RAT APPRECIATION
DAY (It?s never too late to recognize the contribution
made by frenzied folks who are fond of paper, bits of string,
broken pencils and old photographs?who?s your nomination?)
August 15 ? GONG SHOW AWARD DAY (Is there a
delightful ding-dong achievement waiting to be recognized in
your workplace or neighborhood?)
August 16 ? NATTY NAPKIN DAY (Why not celebrate
one of the most overlooked pieces of puff we have today ? the
humble dickey, the cheery chin-wiper, or that breathtaking bib
and tucker outfit.)
August 17 ? BEST BILLBOARD IN TOWN AWARD (Time
to choose your favorite outdoor ad, the one that makes you jump
elegantly for joy, roll merrily in the street, or quietly split
your sides laughing.)
August 18 ? FAKE FLOWER RECOGNITION DAY (Time
to plant those plastic pots of PVC pansies on the deck to
impress your know-it-all in-laws or nosey neighbors.)
August 19 ? THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD PREDICT
DAY (Time to put on your crash-helmet ?cause this could
be a real winner!)
August 20 ? EXCESS BAGGAGE APPRECIATION DAY
(There?s someone out there you know who always packs a 350-pound
bag for an overnight trip somewhere.)
August 21 ? BY-THE-BOOK REWARD DAY (A great
occasion to honor those who never do a thing without consulting
the operating instructions, or a policy and procedures manual.)
August 22 ? NATIONAL BUTTER-FINGER APPRECIATION
DAY (So who do you know who constantly drops the ball,
can?t climb a slippery pole, and sucks their thumb a lot?)
August 23 ? NATIONAL CAVE MAN RECOGNITION DAY
(Time to honor the best breast-beater and burned beef barbecue
cook you know.)
August 24 ? COCKTAILS & CAPERS DAY (Time to see
who can whip up the best blue blazer, daring Daiquiri, horse?s
neck, old Hickory, Margarita, pink lady, or snappy sidecar
without a recipe of course.)
August 25 ? CRANKPOT APPRECIATION DAY (Yup? if
there's one category that needs validation it's this one!)
August 26 ? AAAH & OOOH AWARENESS DAY (Time to
tell everyone you know what you want for your birthday,
Christmas and Employee Appreciation Day.)
August 27 ? STUFF YOU SHOULDN?T DO ON YOUR FIRST DAY ON
THE JOB DAY (An occasion to honor the fine art of
ridiculously pointless drama, incredibly bad timing, and
inefficient use of someone else's space.)
August 28 ? MEN FROM MARS DAY (A good
opportunity to check out the little green guys not to be
confused with Men from Glad who grumble about carrying out your
trash every week, adore swatting the occasional fly, and claim
they were born with a convenient push-button TV remote control
located on their navels naturally.)
August 29 ? THINGS YOU SHOULDN?T LEND DAY
(Let?s see, there?s your used dental floss, your pet boa, and
your whoopee cushion?what else?)
August 30 ? THINGS YOU SHOULDN?T KISS DAY (This
is a long list: frogs and toads, Big Bird and the Blarney Stone
not to mention cheap imitations of Prince Charming or the
Princess of Prunes?)
August 31 ? BIG FOOT APPRECIATION DAY (Time to
ask all your favorite questions: ?What size sneakers do you
wear? Who cuts your hair? When can you come out and play?? )
About the author:
Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and her faithful consort Lord Earl
Craboon have earned a rather ripsnorting reputation as goodwill
gossip-mongers in the award-winning Court of the Quipping Queen
http://www.quipping
queen.blogspot.com/
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