Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.
YO THERE QUIPPING QUEEN!
Or, who is that entourage of questionable quirky characters
anyway?
By: Adrian Air-of-Sleet, Personal Secretary and Royal
Biographer to Her Royal Majesty, Victoria Elizabeth, Quipping
Queen and Empress of Eccentricity who is responsible for
overseeing the day-to-day-affairs of state involving members of
her eager-beaver entourage not to mention all the loyal
lollygaggers puttering about in the Queendom of Quirks,
Quidnuncs & Quagmires (situated in the little known but
well-appointed ?Pith n Vinegar Palace? on Dallas Road in
beautiful downtown Victoria, British Columbia, Canada)
Much has been said about the Quipping Queen. A spate of bad
press lately, (about the odd habits of the merry-making
monarch), has led to a good deal of speculation about her state
of mind.
To nip the nasty non compos mentis natterings in the bud, the
Quipping Queen has asked me to set the record straight.
First, let me assure you that Her Royal Highness is of sound
mind, body and spirit! Her only regret is that her loyal
subjects often lack opportunities to tickle their funnybones,
open Pandora?s box to see what?s inside, or crayon outside the
lines in their coloring books.
Second, since she is in possession of her marbles, she has come
up with a playful solution to a perplexing problem - the
precipitous decline of fun and frolic in the Land of Quibbles
and Querilulous Things Going-On or Running Amok.
To stem the flood of feisty complaints to her gates, she has
come up with a plan dedicated to improving wit and wisdom in the
Queendom. This plan known affectionately as "PUCK-UP", will
begin by putting an end to all "do-this-do-that" games in the
royal realm, and then encouraging her seriously smile-impaired
subjects to play cooperatively in ?Sand Circles?.
It is hoped that the new learning centers will foster
appreciation of the sands of time, assist participants to build
sandcastles in the air effectively, and to understand the
ancient philosophical notion that, ?going around in circles is
what life is all about?.
In response to a myriad of questions from journalists as to who
will be responsible for leading this cutting-edge project, a
spokesperson for the Ripsnorting Royal Court of the Quipping
Queen, responded with alacrity, ardor and artistry.
He stated that this exemplary initiative would be undertaken by
an assortment of incredibly clueless if not cockamamie
characters who have volunteered to act as ?Champions? and
?facilitators? for this entertaining social-consciousness
engagement.
The list of leading learned lights includes:
Arch-Duke of A-Very-Good-Time-Was-Had-By-All
(Need we say more!)
Baron of Bunkum (The best source for dross and
drivel in the queendom!)
Baroness of Baubles Bangles & Beads (She
coordinates accessories for every occasion ...especially those
sparkly sequined spandex yoga outfits!)
Butler of Biscuits & Bottles (Known for his
fine selection of premium-brand kibbles, nipples and vittles)
Count Can't-You-See-I'm-Busy-Right-Now (His
"to-do" list is a tad longer than the average dance card or
grocery list)
Countess of Catnaps (Not known as a "snooze
alarmist", she is a welcome guest at every long and boring
cocktail party)
Dame Do-You-Know-What-Time-It-Is? (A renowned
Clockwatercher!)
Duke of Doorknobs (Applauded for his lively
impression of a pet rock!)
Duchess of Dither (The Diva of
Damsels-in-Distress)
Footman of Fetish Wear (Tan shoes and pink shoe
laces are not his thing)
Grand Duke of Garter Belts, Glass Slippers &
G-Strings (A gift-of-the-gab sort who operates
exceptionally well ?in a tight pinch?, ?under-cover?, and
?behind closed-doors?)
Groomsman of Grouses, Grouches, Grumps & Growing
Pains (A great smile and stroke personality whose
silver-tongue and silver spurs keep everyone in line --
including cowboys who don't know when to stop talking about the
size of their spread) Knight of The Testy
Turntable (Operator of the 33 1/3 and 78 RPM minstrel
music machine ...known to have a mind of its own!)
Knight of
It-Seemed-Like-A-Good-Idea-At-The-Time (A terrific
connect-the-dots, fill-in-the-blanks and paint-by-numbers
problem-solver)
Knight of Knock-Kneed Knickers (He has the
finest selection of briefs, boxers, and BVDs for
anatomically-challenged carpet knights of the realm!)
Knight of I?m-Sure-It-Was-There-Yesterday (A
marvellous speciman of a memory-gene gone missing!)
Knight of When-Will-We-Get-There? (Note:
There?s one of these in every band of merry men in search of
Maid Marion, the Holy Grail and some bloke called "BOB"!)
Lord Leaping to Conclusions (Long jumps are
definitely his speciality!)
Lady Looby-Loo (A wonderful water-closet waif
if ever there was one!)
Lady-In-Waiting-of-Giggle Gear (No ...she
doesn?t own a dunce cap, but thank you for asking)
Prince Jeepers-Creepers I (Nothing gets past
this lad!)
Prince Jolly-Bean II (He puts all those
ordinary Mexican jumping beans to shame!)
Prince Jolly-Jodpurs V (The happy-go-lucky sort
who adores riding a cockhorse to Banbury Cross just to
test-drive his turbo-charged breeches)
Prince Jolly-Jump-Up IV (A truly clean, keen,
yes-madame machine!)
Princess Jelly-Bean III (A jaunty jelly-belly
aerobics instructor)
Princess Jiggle-Pot III (A scantily-clad sylph
with fantastic fundraising capabilities)
Princess Jot-It-Down II (Not-your-average
pencil-pushing pen-pal)
Sir Snuff & Such (Responsible for sniffing out
stuff and nonsense in the nick of time)
Sir Harold Prickmedainty (Responsible for
"Minor Medical Miracles" and sweeping the occasional medical
malpractice suit under the table)
Valet I (A well-known "hanger-on" who supplies
garb for gargoyles and gals plus celebrity-approved "Valiant &
Vixen Togs for Titillating Types")
Valet II (A Professional Putz who polishes
booties and brogues for "Beautiful People")
Viscount Don Juan Valentine (Responsible for
drafting the Queen's annual gushy greeting entitled, "Tips on
How to Gird-Your-Loins Safely & Securily", in order to allay
concerns among all her romantically-inclined subjects, their
squeamish parents not to mention a large constituency of early
childhood educators, public health nurses, and pharmacists on
the occasion of Cupid's Visit to the realm every February 14th)
With all these robust if not ridiculous resources available,
there is no doubt that the project will be an unbelievably huge
success!
If not, Her Majesty, (Chief Executive officer, Chief Financial
Officer, Chief Operating Officer and Grand Poobess of the Whole
Shebang in the Queendom of Quirks, Quidnuncs and Quagmires),
will simply hire some well-compensated consultants and
self-promoting spin-doctors. Their task will be to revise the
final, feel-good "Project Evaluation Report", (to reflect a
healthy, hokey, happily-ever-after story naturally.)
And last but not least, rest assured, the Queen will always find
another worthy project to keep her courtiers contented and her
subjects in a sportive frame of mind so they will not toss
hanging flower pots about in the ?City of Gardens?, nor
frighten the horses pulling the tourist-trap carriages around
town, and refrain from sticking ooey-gooey wads of bubble gum on
the leather seats of the environmentally-friendly pedi-cabs
blocking traffic in the downtown streets!
Hail the Queen of Quixotic Quandaries! May she, her ludicrous
court, and her loopy subjects all enjoy much health, wealth and
happiness! And as they say here, "When in doubt, chortle
and chug-a-lug, 'cause tomorrow's another day!"
About the author:
Adrian Air-of-Sleet, (when he's not busy unlocking doors to
royal closets in order to let the skeltons out), can be found
fidgeting and quibbling over who has the best recipe for making
crumpets in the Court of the
Quipping Queen
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