Among the many clients I've helped as a psychologist over the
years, handling rejection is often a major problem. Typically,
they tell me how the self help books and tapes they've tried
often don't seem to work. As one man said recently, "They always
exhort you to be positive and don't take things personally. It
only makes me feel worse when I ask a woman on a date and she
refuses."
What really helps us to handle rejection is to recognize that
there is a part of our minds which ALWAYS takes
disappointment seriously. This part connects us to childhood
emotional feelings of insecurity- something we all have
experienced. Any disappointment, frustration, and loss will make
us feel anxious and small, what I call a "child state."
The key to handling rejection is to have COMPASSION for
such young feelings. All too often, people(especially men) are
self critical when they feel vulnerable-e.g. "Why am I making
such a big deal of it" This only shames us and makes us feel bad.
What REALLY works is when we can say, "Look, this WAS a
disappointment and it hooked child feelings in me. OK, so how
can I best take care of myself to get back on the horse and get
going again." Such self compassion and active coping with
rejection gets us back in an "adult state". This difference
between adult and child states is important to understand in our
personal AND personal lives.
When you don't get a raise at the office, for instance, it is
important to remember that child state feelings are evoked in
that situation as well. The key, once again, is awareness and
compassion for such feelings. Doing so can have amazingly
positive effects on enhancing future success!
About the author:
Norm Ephraim,Ed.D. is a psychologist in Boston, Mass. He is
theauthor of MOOD SHIFTING: UNDERSTANDING AND TRANSFORMING
YOUR NEGATIVE MOODS. This 3 step program helps you transform
negative and pessimistic moods into more positive and productive
ones. His web site is http://www.mood-shifting.com.
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